“99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name”
“Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity”
“Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect
it back”
“Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced,
you can't be promoted”
“Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did i.
“I used to be indecisive. Now i'm not sure”
“What's the speed of dark? ”
“Funny noises are not funny”
“I'm working on my 2nd million. I gave up on the
first... ”
“Press all keys at once to continue... ”
“If you're so smart, why don't i understand you?
”
“Women need a reason. Men just need a place”
“The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean
you're an artist [or, "a genius"].”
“I like you. You remind me of when i was young and
stupid. ”
“If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten”
“Instead of getting married again, i'm going to find
a woman i don't like and just give her a house”
“If life was fair, elvis would be alive and all the
impersonators would be dead”
“I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't
give a damn”
“Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously
and change the subject”
“Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were
a member of congress...but i repeat myself”
“A penny saved is worthless”
“On the other hand, the early worm gets eaten”
“All programmers are playwrights and all computers
are lousy actors”
“I eat code for breakfast. And corn flakes”
“Real programmers don't comment their code; if it
was hard to write it should be hard to understand”
“Procrastination, i'll deal with it sooner or later”
“Its lonely at the top but you eat better”
“Hard work has a future, laziness pays off now”
“To err is human, and stupid”
“You should walk a mile in their shoes, cos then
you're a mile away, and you have their shoes”
“Practice makes perfeckt”
“There are three kinds of people: those who can count,
and those who can't”
“Monday is the root of all evil”
“Work is a necessary evil to be avoided”
“What goes up must come down - ask any system administrator”
“The best way to accelerate a mac is at 9.8m/s/s”
“Hardware: the parts of a computer that can be kicked”
“The best way to escape from a problem is to solve
it... Or not do it”
“our prices are low because we're sofa kingdom”
“Ever get hit in the nuts with a softball? Not very
soft is it?”
“If you stare at a person long enough without talking,
they will want to punch you in the face”
“Did you ever realize that you are constantly smelling
your nose? ”
“I would make my own site but i'd rather complain
about yours”
“If your pocket falls off, its okay cos you can stick
it in your other pocket”
“You'd think with a name like urinal cakes they'd
be edible. They're not.”
“Happiness is like peeing in your pants. Everyone
sees it but only you feel its warmth”
“I have a 500mhz computer and a 900mhz phone. Are
they just making this crap up? ”
“I have a lot on my mind... A vacant lot”
“Help a man in trouble and he will remember you ..
When he is in trouble again”
“I've upped my expectations. Up yours. ”
“Patience is a virtue ... Except when you have to
pee”
“Its not a lie if everyone believes it”
“How'd you throw away a garbage can? ”
“Honk if you love peace and quiet”
“Imagine a world with no hypothetical situations”
“You are what you eat. Cannibalism now makes a lot
more sense. ”
“Does a radioactive cat have 18 half-lives? ”
“If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off”
“I just smelled my feet. They smelled back. ”
“Will there never be a book called chicken soup for
the vegetarian soul? ”
“I have a vocabulary the size of a really big thing”
